Hey loves, I wanted to do a diary entry for you guys on relationships. I know it's been a crazy time with COVID-19 and I have been a little radio silent lately, but I want you to know, a lot of exciting things are coming up. I recently went through an 11 month relationship with someone and I wanted to share what happened and what I learned from it with you loves, so you can take some lessons out of my experience, to do well in your relationships!
Love so soon?
Is it possible to truly love someone after only knowing them 6 weeks? This is something that my latest breakup left me wondering. When we told each other we loved each other, it seemed like we did, although, it's possible that it could have been that we were in love with the idea of being in love. But more than ever, I believe love is a choice. You can't know that soon, if you love all of the bad qualities you may later learn about a person, but you can make a choice to love and accept them. The word "love" is unconditional and it's not something I personally take lightly and I've learned never to say it to someone again, until I know who they are 100%. There are a few things this relationship of 11 months taught me, before I get into those, let me explain what happened from my view.
We had lots in common it seemed - traditional values, country life, the belief in being with the same person for life. He asked me to marry him in the summer time, but kept putting off making it official, with a real ring, and announcement. He did lots for me - paid my phone bill each month without my ever asking, helped with $15,000 in legal fees and supported me and told me I never had to worry again, that I had him and that he was committed for life, as long as I wanted him - but it led to an ultimate betrayal, which made me realize that he never did truly love me, even though, I knew that sooner, because a "best friend" or person who ever truly loved you couldn't do what he did, especially knowing what I had been through. I'm glad it's over, although, it was unfortunate it ended the way it did.
Flags
Throughout the relationship there were flags - around month 8, I found out he was speaking badly about me, behind my back to various female friends and family members on Facebook. He did apologize, saying that he says mean things and exaggerates sometimes but that he loved me and wouldn't do it again. I was still hurt. I had always hyped him up and spoke highly of him. I was fragile due to my past - dating men who didn't truly love me. He continued to promise engagement, stringing along promises of a ring, but it never came and he never wanted people to know if he got me a ring. He would tell me that I needed to prove myself to him that I can make him happy for the long term. I lived with him so there was an expectation of a lot of intimacy, without commitment, which is not something I am accustomed to. Due to circumstances at the time, I had to live with him. Normally, you see a boyfriend once a week or so, which is better. I withdrew intimacy around month 8 when I started to feel like he didn't truly love me. Things then became pretty bad and toxic. He would ignore me and not come near me. Didn't want to go anywhere. He was one of those guys who will ignore a girl and do his own thing if he's upset about something she's doing. He is not a talker or communicator. He will allow rage to build up and then vent to friends/female confidants or else send me threatening angry texts while he's at work.
The emotional abuse was so bad that despite knowing my sufferance with heart palpitations associated with police, he would threaten police when I was doing nothing wrong. He was also very jealous of my accomplishments. He told me he loved me less than he did previously, wasn't sure if he was committed, but still wanted intimacy.
One night he wanted to get intimacy, but I didn't want to. He became very sexually frustrated. The following day, he shared Facebook messages with a woman which discussed some of the graphic details and that he had "tried everything." He would write that he didn't understand what my problem was why I wouldn't be intimate and that even though he wouldn't, that he totally got why some men cheat. He was also very insecure and never felt confident that I had genuine intent or thought he was good or attractive. He went on to tell them that he wasn't ready to get married due to my baggage. (that he knew I had when we met). The things he said to his friends were so mean, and they left out a lot of details, and as a result, his friends only heard one side and always sided with him and tried to make it seem like I was a bad person. He was one of those guys who is controlled and influenced by friends and what they tell him to do. He isn't a strong man who can make his own decisions. My loved ones would tell me; "what girl would want to be intimate with a man who speaks about her like that?" and that "he would never marry you." At the same time he was speaking badly, he was telling me he loved me multiple times each day.
Self defence
He was 6’5 and a muscular build. Around month 10, he was sitting on the couch with me. I had a bad instinct that he was messaging about me again so I asked to see his phone. Unlike what he would tell police (that he never gave me his phone and that I started hitting him when he wouldn't give me his phone - he did provide it.) Before providing it, he deleted something. As I was looking through it, a message popped up; "She wants to be a lawyer?" He jumped up, tried to grab the phone - twisted my arm and put all his weight on me. It was self defence. (The photos of his injuries were scratches, which were consistent with my self -defence and my clawing at his arms to get him off of me. After this incident, he told me that he loved me and would get a ring when he's ready. I was crying knowing he was still talking badly about me after he promised to stop. I didn't believe much of what he said after that. I knew that even if he said he was sorry and wouldn't do it, that it just meant, he would try harder to get away with it, by texting or talking at work, then turning off or hiding his phone at home. Once trust is breached, it gives a person a reason not to trust. He was supposed to be my safe place, not another person defaming me. I spoke to my loved ones who told me to try to be intimate with him and make things work, just until the trial at least, and that hopefully would get better and change. I was intimate with him again on my own free will - a part of me was even hoping that he would somehow magically get better. But then I started feeling bad again so I slept in a guestroom for a few weeks to get a break. Finally, in month 11, he threatened to call police again, to get me out of his house. He had threatened police before as well. I wasn't doing anything wrong. He then said I could stay until my trial if I paid some rent. I agreed but threatened a defamation law suit if he didn't stop talking badly about me to people. I also wrote to some of the women, who were mutual Facebook friends, to provide my side of the story as to why things didn't work out. He reported the self defence as an assault and I had to spend weeks in jail waiting for a bail hearing. My poor dog who suffers separation anxiety struggled for two days, until she was picked up and taken to my grandmothers, where she couldn't stop eating.
His promises of moving to Nashville also ended up being a joke. I have pursued actions against him for everything he had done, which my loved ones said was obviously a mean move, after knowing what I was already going through. It seemed like he was angry at me just saying my side of the story, cause he always promoted himself as a good guy. I recorded a phone call with him, where I asked him why he called police, where he said that I wasn't showing any affection for weeks and that he thought I was mad at him... and that I had threatened a defamation law suit, so his back was against the wall. He also said his friends made him do it (he is very influenced by friends - the same friends he said bad false things about me to, so of course, they didn't like me)
Looking back
Looking back, I believe he only liked me because of my looks and the idea that I was a country singer as he would often brag to friends. I think somewhere in there, I became more of a possession than a person. I also had Depression and PTSD before I met him. I was also an introvert. He often held it against me that I wasn't very social with his family and friends when we took trips, not realizing the internal struggle and how much it was out of my comfort zone.
Everything we go through should be a learning experience. In this relationship, I learned a lot. In a relationship, if both people have been hurt a lot in the past and have difficulty trusting, they can end up hurting each other with bitterness and anger. In a relationship, at least one person has to be willing to take a leap of faith for it to progress. In my relationship, he was very insecure - asking if he was handsome enough, good at intimacy, he didn't like being in photos or music videos... he always believed women had ulterior motives, like for money or his visa... and he started to feel like I did, even though I had genuine intent, but I felt the same way that he had ulterior motives with me, and wasn't planning to commit... he was concerned how long we could live together before becoming common law, worried about half his stuff being taken, even though I had offered a prenup and always told him he didn't need to help me with any legal fees or anything, and that I loved him regardless.
Lessons
The most important things to me moving forward are; 1. The man has to be kind and selfless to people and animals. 2. Enjoy healthy eating and not complain to friends that I make him eat veggies, appreciates homecooked, delicious meals. 3. He should be your cheerleader and never view your accomplishments as competition. 4. Knows what he wants and appreciated it - a real man doesn't need you to prove yourself to him, because he is already worried about if he's good enough and can make you happy. Every woman deserves a protector - a man who never wavers, never hurts her, just loves her.
It's hard to know if someone is genuine. There are so many different personalities, morals, values, views, fears, etc in the world. When a breakup happens, it's important to know that it just means that the person wasn't right for you. You can imagine - if they did this, if you did that - maybe it would have worked out differently, but the truth is, it wasn't God's plan. God was giving you another experience, to make you even more ready for the right person. I can think - only if I was bubblier every time he got home (he was very needy of attention and felt I was more focused on music and cases than him but he knew the circumstances would be rough for a temporary while), kept my personal issues to myself, never cried, talked to his family more, been intimate when he wanted, without commitment - maybe it would have worked. He can think - if only he didn't say bad things about me to people, if only he committed, if only he trusted, if only he was patient - but the truth is, it wasn't supposed to work. When you meet the right person, it will feel effortless. There will one day be a guy who is okay with all of my flaws and a woman okay with all of his. It reminds me of my old husky. I couldn't manage her or train her. I cried every day and my life was miserable. I found her a home, but got her back, because I felt bad. I then had to get her another home. If I had of gotten her back again and kept her, my life would have been miserable and the same with hers. When I let her go, I found Sage - my little jack Russell terrier and we are best friends, she's my light and I'm hers. Match made in heaven... Neither person in a relationship should have to bend so far as to where it's very uncomfortable as it can breed resentment. Even when I tried, I wasn't happy with him, because I was not getting what I needed in the relationship and neither was he. I mean there are things you definitely should change, I mean no girl deserves to have a guy say bad things about them to people, and if a girl has depression, it would be better that she takes some anti depressants so that she is more emotionally well in the relationship. Those things obviously should be done.
At the end of the day, a person who can turn on you so easy was never your best friend. It was unfortunate the relationship ended with legal cases. it didn't have to, but it seemed he was planning to end the relationship with police for a while.
Inspiring love
My music producer who is like a father to me is real love. He would never call the police on me or turn on me. His feelings for me never change, no matter what mistakes I make. He's a good guy and his wife is very lucky. One day, I want to find a guy like that. Remember not to confuse better with best and don't hype a guy up too soon. When you date very bad men, a bit better can seem amazing. Let them prove their worth it. Unconditional love is very rare - it's the kind, when no matter what you do, that person always see's the good in you and stands by you. Sometimes it's better to end things sooner than later. Going hot and cold can seem like manipulation even if your just trying to please them but then withdraw cause your sacrificing your own happiness.
Never let a man blame you, and say you are the reason he didn't commit. It's no ones fault - relationships should be easy when your with the right person. For example, if my being down and sad all the time was affecting him, he could have offered to go to a psychologist with me to get some treatment. There are always things people can do to make things work, but only if it's meant to be.
No matter how much he revenged, I would never - nor would I post anything. If someone isn't a very nice person and they want to hurt you, let them be. They will either change, when they learn their conduct isn't working, or else keep it up, but it's not your business. Just be kind always. People will never see eye to eye so trying to get them to see things your way, will never work. Just let it go, breath and focus on things that make you happy. On days when I was suicidal, he believed it was manipulation. He said he wanted to let me use the internet all the time, because I was nice, but the truth was he was trying to push me to, because he wanted me to focus more on him and was bothered by my using the internet all the time when he got home. Sometimes people just don't fit and there is nothing wrong with that.
Singers have always had difficulty finding long term relationships with good men. Etta James said it in her book, how every singer she knew had a pattern of dating bad man after bad man. Taylor Swift hasn’t had luck, Katy Perry… Marilyn Monroe (who just wanted to be loved), Doris Day… Etta had her own reasoning, but I have my own theory. I think it’s because men don’t like it that their girlfriends or wife would be in the public eye, and seen in a possibly sexual way, by other men. It takes a very confident man, who can trust the woman and know that she is trustworthy. Men see these women as beautiful possessions, and perhaps for monetary gain. There are always the exceptions, like Carrie Underwood etc, but we just have to live life and let God and fate guide us.
Is every guy the same? will they always revenge when they mess up and hurt you? probably not. I'm just going to prioritize my career and my own life for now, which make me the most happy and have reservations. I actually realized that marriage is not all that important to me. I am not writing it off completely, but it seems like a lot of drama. I think I prefer fun relationships. I have always wanted to wear a wedding dress though, but the best part of being a singer is that you can live your dreams in your music videos! After all, I have to save for my country house and tour bus and make my opry debut. ;)
Love Jade.
